iaremunyee

2/7: Envy

2012-01-27T02:51:00.000+08:00

I can feel her lurking in the back of my mind.
She has lie dormant for many a moons now.
Never too faraway, just waiting for the right moment to strike.
I have done all that I can to resist her.
But no incantation can save me now.
No weapon known to man, no higher power.

I can hear her slithering.
Closer, closer, closer.
The numbing cold of her breath and touch,
The sound of her forked tongue,
Darting in and out. In and out.

One wrong move, one intake of breath too sharp.
And I am dead.

I Made Clouds.

2012-01-26T23:38:00.000+08:00

On days where there is just a little too much sunshine, one could use a cloud, or two.

You will need:

3 egg whites

1 cup of fine granulated sugar

1 tsp of the essence of vanilla

1 tsp of white vinegar

1tsp corn flour

4tbsp of boiling water

For garnish:

½ cup of softly whipped cream, or more.

Strawberries or anything brightly colored

Make sure your bowl is clean and dry.

Mix all ingredients except for sugar.

Beat egg whites until frothy.

Add in sugar in several additions.

Beat until you from stiff peaks.

To test, upturn bowl over your head – nothing should fall out.

Preheat oven to 180°C.

Sprinkle tray with corn flour to prevent your cloud from sticking.

Pour your cloud onto baking sheet, and form peaks – these will crisp up and be dangerously moreish.

Bake for 15minutes, then turn oven down to 150°C.

Bake for a further 45 minutes.

Leave to cool inside your oven. Be patient.

Cover with softly whipped cream and blood red strawberries.

Serve immediately and the scorching heat wouldn't be so bad anymore.

Bella.

2012-01-25T22:26:00.000+08:00

Bella - during one of her more camera-friendly moments. Excuse the leg.

Let me tell you a story.

I promise it will be a short one.

This is a story about my puppy, Bella.

This story starts, unlike most stories, with a cat.

It was a cold, stormy day - mind this is not a cliche, but an accurate weather report.

My brother found it sitting on our windowsill.

It was grey - or filthy, probably filthy - with stripes running along its body.

It was cold and shivering and hungry. Always hungry.

Milk was made hastily.

And both my brother and I watched as it lapped it up, hesitantly and then with wild abandon.

"Should we name it?"
"No. Names will mean that we are attached"

"Look at the stripe down its forehead. Doesn't it look like Aang from Airbender?"

"Yeah, it kinda does, doesn't it?"

"Can we name it Aang?"

"Aang it is"

And for a long time, we watched as Aang licked and purred.

We laughed as it run between our legs and after loose thread.

If ever it was possible to love something so hard in such a short period of time, this was it.

But moments like these never lasts.

Soon it was 6pm.

"Mummy's coming back"
"I know"
"You know she hates cats"
"And all living things"

"What do we do with Aang?"

Now I did promise that this story will be a short one. So here goes.

There was a basket. And protests, in the forms of purrs and scratches.

We walked two streets, with a cat in a basket.

Not to get rid of him, never to get rid of him.

I do not know how long we walked for

But when we did put him down, he didn’t run.

He merely looked up, with probing eyes.

With a question he will never be able to ask.

Why?

We ran home.

With a basket, empty of cat but filled with regret.

“What if he comes back tomorrow?”

“That’s impossible”
“What if he does?”
“Then we’ll do what we can to keep him”
“Really?”

“I promise”

And by some miracle, or stroke of Luck, or by the hand of a higher power,
Aang came back.

He sat on the very same windowsill.

As filthy as before. And hungry, always hungry.

And one would think that all is well.

But we weren’t there when this little miracle happened.

Mother was.

There was a broom. And Aang was no more.

When the story was told over the dinner table,

With the nonchalance of one who obviously never had the privilege

Of spending time with our (yes, we’ve laid claim) little Airbender,

“How could you?”
“It’s just a cat”

“But a broom? Was that necessary?”

“It’s just a cat. Eat your dinner”

For weeks we looked for Aang.

Bowl of milk and ball of thread in hand,

And equipped with nothing but hope.

At night, there were prayers.

Fervent prayers for a missing cat.

We never found Aang. Neither did he return to our windowsill.

But few months later, we got Bella.

A Maltese of three months old that stole our hearts with playful nips and the ability to pee on every carpet we own.

Mother loves animals now, cats included, and we got rid of that broom.

And though we love Bella to death,

We still check our windowsill from time to time.

For our hungry Airbender.

Penguins.

2012-01-23T21:48:00.000+08:00

Penguins mate for life.
But that's the problem isn't it?
Sometimes they make mistakes.

Midas.

2012-01-16T23:55:00.000+08:00

Midas, you may have the Golden Touch.

But never forget that your trophies , like lawyers, have no heart.

Last Straw.

2012-01-16T10:02:00.000+08:00

Try as you may, you cannot love someone who only love themselves.

It Takes Two.

2012-01-15T02:53:00.000+08:00

Not one over-worked 20 year old.

Rules (Anthony Robbins)

2012-01-11T23:58:00.003+08:00

Rules: Beliefs about what had to happened in order for one to feel good or happy.

Sometimes when our rules are broken by our significant other, we will feel pain and sadness.

There is only two things one can do.

1. Change your rules.

2. Change your significant other.

Bother.

2012-01-10T14:06:00.000+08:00

You said that once you hold on, you won't let go till it bleeds.

Not Over You.

2012-01-09T01:25:00.000+08:00

When they ask you how you're doing,

Do you say you're doing just fine?

Do you lie and tell them that I am not on your mind?

Do you go out and sit down at tables set for two?

Do you do everything you can, only to realize that,

You're not over me?

In Your Atmosphere

2012-01-05T22:16:00.000+08:00

I know I shouldn't be doing this
But gravity is working against me
That with every passing minute
A little more of me dies inside

Loving you will be the death of me.

Shoes.

2012-01-03T21:12:00.001+08:00

I don't understand why she is crying. One minute she was shouting - her hands balled up in fists - and the next thing you know, her face crumpled and leak. And as she sat there, head bowed, her hair shielding most of her face, I just sat and stared at her. I stared as the tears slid down her face and wet her jeans. I stared at her futile attempts to blow her nose - she is so beautiful, even when she cries - I just stared. I mean, what else can I do? If I touch her, that is just going to either make her angry again or cry even harder. What am I supposed to say? I have said everything that I am supposed to say. What if I say something wrong and it causes another argument? God, I love her. And I try so hard to show her everyday - in my own little way - sure I do not utter those three words all the time, but can't she see that I do? That by the death of me, I love her. Maybe I am a bad boyfriend - the way I make her cry so much - perhaps she'll leave me tonight.

I see him just sitting there. Even when I shout, even when I cry my eyes out, he just sits there. Doesn't he understand what I am trying to tell him? That all I ever wanted was for him to care half as much as I do. All I ever wanted was for him to tell me that he loves me. Is that so difficult? Why must I go through all this heartache just so that he gets such a simple concept? I must look like shit, crying with my nose dribbling everywhere. He sits just 5inches away and yet he doesn't reach out to hold my hand, he doesn't take me in his arms and tell me that it is going to be okay. He just sits there. Perhaps all this while I was wrong, he doesn't love me the way I thought he did. Perhaps he will leave me tonight.

Birthday Wish: An Update.

2012-01-02T01:08:00.000+08:00

So for my 20th Birthday Wish List, I wanted the above things in no particular order.

I got EVERYTHING on the list :)

Twas' a good birthday.

'Merry' Christmas

2011-12-25T16:42:00.001+08:00

On this 25th of December, you gave me a heartbreak to remember.

Merry Christmas to you too.

Verse

2011-12-25T16:28:00.000+08:00

" And he said, "Naked I come from my mother's womb and naked shall I return; the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord."

Job 1:21

Muse.

2011-12-24T00:49:00.003+08:00

I know that I have never liked them.

But to think that I am no longer your muse, hurts.

Eat-along: Royce' Nama Chocolate

2011-12-11T01:58:00.000+08:00

The first thing that you will notice is the more than generous amount of cocoa powder encapsulating each individual piece. Do not lean in too far, however tempting it may be, you'll end up snorting cocoa powder. Not pleasant.

Now pick up a piece, gently place it in your mouth. Not the whole thing! Bite down slowly - taste how the bitter cocoa powder gives way to the sweet chocolate. You will not detect any hint of acidity that often accompanies bittersweet chocolate. Rather, your palate will notice the subtle background taste of liqueur and how it rounds up the bitterness and sweetness of that heavenly bite.

And with this act of biting down - you will notice that this is not your typical 'hard' chocolate, rather it has a more truffle-like texture. You know, that pleasant get-in-between-your teeth sort of texture?

Before long, that piece will be gone and you will be left with a pleasant aftertaste and an even better feeling of euphoria that is so characteristic of post-chocolate consumption.

There are only two downsides to have tried Royce' Chocolates.

For one, you will find yourself lacking even the most basic of self control. And two, now that you've had the best, good luck going back to Cadbury.

Application.

2011-12-01T19:02:00.000+08:00

You have been given the privilege to love someone.

To be her everything.

To miss her when you are apart.

To hold and to cherish.

To make her laugh, make her cry.

To share her secrets and success.

To learn her nuances, and quirks.

To be your first thing in the morning, and last thing before you sleep.

To map and memorize her.

To make or break her.

You. Little ol' insignificant You.

Let's be more appreciative, shall we?

Pumpkin Mascarpone Gnocchi: A Recipe

2011-11-30T18:13:00.000+08:00

Recipe adapted from here because we cannot afford butternut squash

1 cup pumpkin or butternut squash
1 3/4 cup plain flour
1/2 cup grated Parmesan
1 cup mascarpone cheese
2 tbsp curry powder
2 eggs
1/2 tsp salt
Butter
Sage leaves

Microwave pumpkin until tender. Alternatively you can roast it - but who has the time?

Mash pumpkin into an indistinguishable pulp - don't worry about lumps; it gives your gnocchi character.

Fold pumpkin puree into softened mascarpone with eggs, curry powder, grated Parmesan and salt.

Add flour gradually - original recipe calls for 1 cup, I put more because I REFUSE TO CONFORM.

At this point, I folded in the ingredients to prevent over mixing for that would mean certain death.

Refrigerate overnight until firm

------------------------- I N T E R M I S S I O N----------------------------------

Bring lightly salted water up to the boil.

Shape the mixture into lumps resembling small pillows. I made them rather large - helps with texture

Lower gently into boiling water.

When it floats, it's cooked - transfer to buttered pan.

Pan fry gnocchi pieces until golden brown. Remove, reserve on warm plate.

In a saucepan - melt butter until all water has evaporated and milk solids turned a hazelnut brown

You will know when it's done when the butter mixture turns golden brown and has a nutty fragrance

Add in your sage leaves 30 seconds before it is done.

Done right, you've made beurre noisette or brown butter. Done wrongly, you've made burnt butter

Spoon 1 tbsp of that heavenly (cholesterol laden) nectar of the gods over the warm gnocchi.

Serve immediately.

Book List.

2011-11-30T03:23:00.000+08:00

Plan.

2011-11-30T02:38:00.004+08:00

In my future home, I would have bookshelves that reached the ceilings.

So many books that one would need a ladder to get from one end to the other.

The smell of parchment and leather.

Dim lighting and pillows for the reading corner.

Tea. Earl grey with brown sugar - lots of brown sugar.

Carpets and wooden flooring.

Arched windows with curtains that whisper.

Someone to share all this with.

Birthday (An Unofficial Wish List)

2011-11-30T02:11:00.000+08:00

Dance.

2011-11-26T02:57:00.000+08:00

When I dance, I become someone else.

Drowned.

2011-11-25T00:53:00.003+08:00

And I din't see this one coming,
Now I am in too deep.

And I think I'll just keep swimming
down, down, down.

There is no point in trying to reach dry ground.

I am drowned.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Stockholm Syndrome

2011-11-23T22:58:00.002+08:00

" You will hate her. You will wish her harm. You will hate the very ground that she walks on; the air that she breathes. You will make nasty statements about her current boyfriend. You will bitch about her to your best friend or anyone who cares to listen. You will write sappy love songs and drink copious amount of alcohol. You will refuse to smile or wear color. You will tell yourself that that was the last straw. You will swear to never fall for someone of the likes of her.

But you will meet someone just like her and do just that "

Thank you.

2011-11-12T00:06:00.000+08:00

For being there when no one else gave a fuck.

I owe you everything.

Mr Brightside

2011-11-11T23:51:00.000+08:00

How can you look at all of this and not see how broken it is?

Are you optimistic or delusional?

Relationship Status

2011-11-06T23:59:00.000+08:00

I am not allowed to tell.

Time.

2011-11-06T00:42:00.000+08:00

You want time?

I'll give you all the time you want.

You are more than welcome.

Not this time.

2011-11-05T19:32:00.000+08:00

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

In Case of Emergency.

2011-11-02T02:11:00.000+08:00

Remember when you first fell in love.
How you can't stop thinking about each other,
How you can't put down the phone,
How you check your phone a million times to see if he's messaged you,
How you stayed up late into the night, talking about everything and nothing,
How time seemed to speed up or slow down when you are together,
How you would do anything to put a smile on his face,
How everyone else pales in comparison to him,

Remember when you first fell in love.
Remember.
Remember.
Remember.

Now repeat.

Without

2011-11-01T15:47:00.003+08:00

There is something about waking up beside you,

To find your hand interwoven between mine or your arm around me

Almost as if you were afraid that the night might steal me away

There is something about waking up beside you,

To watch you deep in slumber,

In a tangle of sheets, limbs.

There is something about waking up beside you,

Knowing that I am irrevocably yours, and you, mine.

And the contentment within

There is something about waking up beside you,

That I can't quite figure out,

But I am pretty sure it's the one thing I cannot live without.

Newton's Third Law of Motion.

2011-11-01T15:35:00.002+08:00

I don't think I'll ever forget how you broke my heart

But I don't think you'll ever forget how I found someone else to fix it.

Artist.

2011-10-21T12:45:00.003+08:00

You walk around with an over sized shirt, a red streak through your hair

You hang an overpriced camera around your neck

You write about how a boy breaks your heart

You cut yourself and pen poems about how good it feels

You flirt with everything that has a dick

You give a guy hope when it's obvious you have not gotten over your ex

And you call yourself an artist

Bitch, please.

Daddy.

2011-10-15T02:07:00.000+08:00

I wish I'd appreciate the times you came in my room and talk to me rather than shoo you away,

I wish I'd take the time to spend time with you in the kitchen, rather than sleeping,

I wish I'd talk to you during long car rides instead of taking a nap,

I wish I'd let you hold my hand in public and to tell you that I love you in front of my friends,

I wish I'd listen to your advice instead of arguing back,

I wish I'd take time to listen to you, rather than focusing on how poor your grammar was,

I wish I'd spend more time singing with you and getting all the lyrics wrong,

I wish I'd fix the broken things around the house and listen to you wax lyrical about things that don't matter,

I wish I'd.

I miss you daddy. I miss you so very much. How can you be there and not there at the same time? How come when I look into your eyes, I see a totally different person looking back?

How can you give all of this up for the sake of money and material wealth?

How could you?

Don't you love your little girl anymore? Don't you?

Resolution

2011-10-05T11:44:00.000+08:00

Last Christmas I vow to find another you.

Today, I did not find someone like you - I found someone better.

Substitute.

2011-10-01T01:10:00.002+08:00

I should be the one who holds her hand

I should be the first person whom she talks to in the morning

I should kiss her goodnight

I should feel her kisses

I should be buying her gifts

I should be the only one who makes her laugh

I should be the shoulder she cries on

I should be her pillar of strength

I should be the name on her lips

I should be the man at the end of the aisle

I should be the one who promises her forever.

I played all my cards right

I did everything and a little bit more

I waited forever

Why aren't you mine?

I am so sorry.

So soon?

2011-07-19T11:28:00.000+08:00

Get up, you stupid bitch.
Get up, dust yourself off and move on.
Can't you see that he's already done it?

Unconditional

2011-07-10T22:02:00.000+08:00

Love is self destructive - in order to truly love, you have to destroy everything that is you.

Stare (End)

2011-06-25T16:47:00.000+08:00

Sometimes we will be talking, when we are not yelling, disagreeing, or getting annoyed at each other.

Why didn’t we take a break – a pause?

There is disgust, anger and disappointment written all over your face.

What happened to us?

Lips pulled back, teeth blared, angry words - so many many angry words.

Maybe you don’t have me figured out after all.

Oh, how apparent my flaws are displayed before you! How prominent my shortcomings, my insecurities.

And no matter how I try to hide them, my true colors came through.

Whatever happened to our love? The little things that we fought so hard for? What happened to us?

Was it me? Was it you? Or was it the combination of both that did us in?

You lied.

I refused to reason.

You lied.

I refused to listen.

You lied.

I did not try to understand.

You lied.

I was selfish.

You lied.

The tears I have cried for you, to make you stay – don’t I deserve the same courtesy?

I see how you moved on, with them, with her.

It sickens me to see you say one thing and mean another.

Did you even give your heart its time to heal? Or was it not even bruised in the first place?

Maybe I mean something to you – but in the grand scheme of things? I don’t think I matter that much.

You said you love me - I believe you. It’s just sad that you love so many other things as well.

When did you decide to stop staring?

The day when you chose her over me.

The day when you chose your vices over me.

The day when you chose them over me.

The day when you lied.

That’s when.

I want to wish you well, in everything that you do.

I want you to succeed, I want you to prosper

I want you to find someone better (not her, please)

But then I would be lying to you.

I pray that every single object, place, memory reminds you of me.

I pray that you have sleepless nights thinking of what could’ve been,

I pray that this hurts your very soul.

Only because to me, that would be true.

I do not know what it will be like without you,

There is this fear, fear, fear.

But the one thing that I am sure of,

At the rate of which you are getting over me, replacing me with people and things that do not matter,

I have alot to catch up.

So many things to say, no time left.

For what is worth,

You’ve left an indelible mark.

***** epilogue *****

The sound of the turning key woke him from his fitful slumber.

As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, the prison gate swung open.

What's this?
This is what you've always wanted - your freedom.
But..

Just go.

I...

Please, just leave.

And, he was gone.

Web

2011-06-19T01:48:00.000+08:00

What are you doing?

Sewing. Hush. Go back to bed.

iveneverhadfeelingsforher.werefriends.closefriends.iveneverhadherover.thatisnothersweater.idonttextheranymore.neverlovedher.

Is it for me?

You can say that. It is to protect you - to make you happy.

noimnotoutwithher.noshehasnevergonetomyplace.noiveneverwalkedherhome.yesimonthewayback.cabtakesforever.

Why are you only using the white thread? It looks so boring. Can I have something more colorful?

White thread hurt the least. When I use white thread, I don't really mean it. All in good intention.

noididnotsmoke.onlyonetwothemax.idontevenhaveapacket.dinthavetheurge.itsbeenmonths.months.ididnotsmoke.ididnotsmoke.ididnotsmoke.ididnotsmoke.

It's getting awfully uncomfortable. I don't like it in here. There is not enough space.

You ask so many questions! This is for your own good. Shhh.

yeahdintworkout.shewascrazyandpsychotic.betteroffwithout.ihaveheartproblems.medication.familyproblems.someonedied.failedacourse.nevercomingback.canada.sweden.somwhere.cantbewithyou.

Can I get out now?

Just a tiny bit more. One more try and I promise this time it'll fit perfectly. Don't you love me?

letsbefriends.letsnotbefriends.iloveyou.shesacrazybitch.donttagmedonttagme.yourenumberone.idinthearmyphone.alarmdintgooff.dintseeanymissedcalls.fellasleep.somethingiswrongwithmyphone.somethingiswrongwithmyphone.

Argh! I CAN'T BREATHE! What is this? What have you done?

I just want to protect you love! I love you! See how I weave this web so you will never get hurt. Just sleep, please just sleep.

iloveyou.iloveyou.iloveyou.iloveyou.iloveyou.iloveyou.iloveyou.iloveyou.iloveyou.iloveyou.iloveyou

Oh, eyes! Why did you betray me? How could I not have noticed the hair on its legs? The bulbous lower body? Its fangs, dripping with poison? How could I have been so blind? Oh god, I'm trapped.

Come here. No! Leave me alone. But this will work. I love you. Stay the fuck away from me! Please please. It's me love, it's me. Now we can be together forever, just like you wanted, my Numero uno.

Confession

2011-06-02T13:58:00.000+08:00

But behind the scene, he means the world to me.

Nostalgia

2011-05-31T13:07:00.000+08:00

I miss the charade, the running-away, the getting caught.

I miss the role play, the tease, the right spot.

I miss the caress, the dampness, the clothes in the way,

I miss the glistening sweat, the weight, the words you say,

I miss the warmth, the way it eases in, the way it fills,

I miss the moans, the sighs, and the way you shudder - and all is still.

I miss the contentment - at the end of what we do.

Funny, despite it all; I don't miss you.

He Keeps Me Alive

2011-02-26T22:33:00.001+08:00

You,

I hate how you take me for granted.

I hate how you’re selfish

I hate how you put your pleasure before mine

I hate how I always come second

But,

You’ve gotten into my bloodstream

You’re coursing through my veins

You’re flowing in my arteries

And,

Try as I may, I cannot rid myself of you

You’re the reason behind my existence

I cannot claw out the very thing that keeps me alive

Comparisons

2011-02-22T01:21:00.000+08:00

Would she walk funny like I do?

Would she eat her wedges the way I do?

Would she snore (a little) like I do?

When you breathe her in, would you compare our scent?

When you hold her close, would she feel strange?

When you kiss her lips, would they taste the same?

When you hold her hand, would they fit yours, like mine did?

When you love her, would she say your name like I do?

Would you ever compare her to me and think that I was better?

Sin

2011-01-21T00:00:00.001+08:00

Ah, where do I begin? What makes you so delectable? What makes your siren call so irresistible? What is it about you that is so compelling that the threat of an expanding waistline cannot stop me from devouring every morsel of you? Could it be your tender flesh enveloped in that characteristic smoky flavor that sets you apart from all your counterparts? Or could it be the layers of fat interwoven in between? The very substance that melts in the mouth and coats every crevice of my throat before warming the very depths of me. Maybe it is the pièce de résistance that is your crackling. The very part of you that brings me down to my knees in gratitude. The prove of the existence of a higher being. Each individual part of you is a piece of work. But together, you are the epitome of perfection. I could go on - but there is no need. You have no beginning, no end. You are what you are.

Roast pork, you are so divine - it's no wonder it's a sin to consume you.

I am sorry but there is no medication for heartbreak.

2010-12-11T23:28:00.000+08:00

Went to the doctor's today, had to wait for a bit,

Nurse told me to sit back - the doctor's running late.

The doctor came in, a little over nine,

Apologized, said she got caught up, and did not see the time.

She sat me down, told me to breathe in, breathe out,

Took a look at my insides using ultrasound.

Then she smiled and said, that everything looks good,

That everything is in the right place - just like it should.

But I told her to check again - she must have been mistaken,

Doctor, oh doctor, how could you've missed a heart so broken?

Hello kind sir, do you have something for the pain?

2010-12-10T01:37:00.000+08:00

I can live without you, there is no denying that.

I still walk around, with a smile – somewhat forced, but one nonetheless – I still breathe, my heart still beats.

I go about my day, doing chores, mundane things.

But it isn’t really living, you know? I am dead, but not alive either. I am like a zombie. Maybe that’s what they really are. Not the living dead; they are people with their hearts broken beyond repair and have no way to leave the living.

You never know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Now that I know, can I have it back? But it doesn’t work that way, does it?

You know when it hurts the most? The moment when the hollow feeling seems most prominent?
It hurts the most at night, when I am alone and the rest of the world is sleeping. It is during the night that I taste the purest of pain.

I told myself to not listen to sappy love songs. Doesn’t quite help with the recovery process, you know – to put Rascal Flatts on repeat.

You left, and you’re never coming back – you made that clear – but with you leaving, it is not as simple as getting up and go. When you leave, you take with you so much of me that I am left with nothing.

I can’t imagine. I simply can’t fathom what life would be like without you. Everything around me reminds me of you, of us. Every phrase, word, every physical space – looking in the mirror, looking at me reminds me of you, of us.

You know you've map me out - every inch of me and made me yours?

I am not having suicidal thoughts. No, my ego would never allow that, but truth be told, at this point in time, death is very tempting.

Regrets. Nothing but regrets. I feel weak. I stand and watch my life and everything that matters slip between my fingers, like sand and have them carried away by the waves. Forever.

We could’ve been amazing. We could’ve, should’ve, would’ve – had I not screw up.

Is it wrong for me, at this eleventh hour to harbor hope? Is it wrong for me to want you so bad that I think that maybe if I think hard and long enough, if I fully immerse myself in nothing but desire for you that it’ll make everything alright?

But it’s too late. You made that very clear. I am out of second chances, out of prayers, out of miracles. I am out.

I am standing in front of a game that keeps asking me to

insertcredit(2)tocontinueinsertcredit(2)tocontinueinsertcredit(2)tocontinue

and I used to have all the tokens in the world but now I am out, it won't let me play anymore.

Game Over, Munyee. Congratulations – you’ve won nothing.

Oh heart, why must you beat?

Unbreak my heart – say you’ll love me again,
Undo this hurt that you caused when you walked out the door and walked out of my life,
Uncry these tears, I cried so many nights,

Unbreak my heart.
- Toni Braxton

Best of me.

2010-12-07T23:24:00.000+08:00

You know I am afraid. I am terrified, petrified, scared.

There is this sick empty feeling in my stomach that I can't quite get rid of.

You know, I don't want you to go.

But I don't know if I am out of luck, out of second chances, out of prayers.

I prayed last night/this morning - I have not prayed for a very long time.

I prayed for us. I prayed that the wish I made at the wishing well will stay true.

That we will be together forever and ever.

I love you but maybe I think I may be doing it wrongly.

Its December. My favorite month. I have never felt more alone in my life. I lost my friends. And now I've lost you.

Last Christmas was honestly the best Christmas I have ever had. Not because of the presents or the food. It was because I spent it with you.

My 18th birthday marked my liberation from Sean's tyranny and I got to spend it with you. And my family.

And I admit - for a moment there I thought that nothing could ever beat this, that surely this was the epitome of happiness, that if I die at that very moment, I would have no regrets.

I try to remember moments in my life where I am without you. Those memories exist - mostly in the back of my mind, in black and white - they pale in comparison to moments I share with you.

People might look and say that we can't possibly be happy. But we proved them wrong didn't we?

How can I put into words, how important you are to me, that you are the reason that I get up in the morning, that you keep me in my place that you anchor me at times where I thought, surely I'll be washed away?

How can I tell you that there isn't a single day that passes without me yearning for your embrace, for your touch, for your voice

How can I make you see that your validation and approval means the most to my well being?

How can I? When I don't have you anymore?

I may have hundreds and thousands of words at my disposal - just waiting to be strung together to express myself - but without you, they like so many things - fade away and mean nothing.

How can you not see that being with you brings out the best in me - and when it doesn't, assures me that it is alright to fail once in a while.

How can you not see that being with you makes me a better person, that so much of you rubs off onto me that I am undoubtedly influenced by your actions?

How can you not see that our lives are so intertwined; that so much of it overlaps and intersects that should we be ripped apart - we might not even retain ourselves.

How can you ever think that I would stand here and let you walk away when you are the best part of me?

You may never read this. Or you might and disregard it as nothing but empty words, empty promises.

But I speak from my heart, and I have never been more truthful. I can't stand to lose you.

And I know I wrong you. On every level I deserved to be punished. There should be a place in hell specially made for my wrongdoings.

Oh, how I've hurt you. And in turn hurt myself. This pain - do you feel it? I can't quite tell you what it is. Not quite but if there is any good analogy to fit this feeling, is that of when you drop an empty can onto the floor. It makes a sound, naturally but at the end of the day, we all know that it is hollow.

You want to know the truth? The truth is, in the past, when you left, I have never lost sleep. I'll get him back, I say.

But sleep eluded me last night. I stayed up the whole night reading your texts. Hoping that you will text back. And the hours past. And before I know it, its morning. And I have to face a day without you.

There are no words to describe this pain. There are no ways to escape from it either. But as much as I am hurting, I believe that it hurts you even more.

I will do anything and everything in my power to fix this. For I do not believe that it is beyond repair. But I can't do it alone. I need/want/desperately need you to tell me that there is hope - however faint - for us.

I swore to renew our vows, come next year. I swore I would tell the world that I love you. No more hiding this time. No more being ashamed.

I will not allow this to happen again. This I promise you and if you've never believed anything that I say, believe this.

I love you Arman. No fancy words this time. No more being pretentious. Just me. Laying bare my feelings for you to read/see - I love you. And I cannot imagine my life doing otherwise.

Doubt thou that the stars are fire;

Doubt thou that the sun doth move;

Doubt truth to be a liar;

But never doubt that I love.

William Shakespeare, Hamlet

Superhero.

2010-11-26T22:51:00.002+08:00

Why? - I’ve asked myself the same question countless of times.

You told me once - it seemed like a lifetime ago - that you would die for me.

But aren’t those just words commonly professed by couples in love?

Aren’t those merely words?

__________________________________________________________

They have never heard your laughter,

They have never seen you shed a tear,

They have never seen you angry, frustrated,

They have never seen you in ecstasy,

They have never seen you.

But that is the whole idea of a secret identity isn’t it?

___________________________________________________________

I slaved for hours preparing dinner,
bought your favorite flowers, lit the candles, turned down the lights
and waited.

You called 3 hours later;

I can’t make it. There is an emergency downtown. Civilians in danger. Sorry.

I scraped the food into the bin, extinguished the candles and left the flowers to die.

Happy anniversary.

_____________________________________________________________

Sometimes in the morning, I would watch you sleep,

sprawled across the bed, still in your work clothes

I have always hated the fact that you had to be dressed that way -

in that figure-hugging outfit that left little to the imagination.

____________________________________________________

I’ll admit – maybe I am bitter, angry, resentful.

They talk, you know? The boys at work.

Called me a pussy – laughed at the fact that you protect me instead of the other way around.

Told me to grow a pair.

I’d shrug it off; but just because there isn’t a wound, doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt.

___________________________________________________

There were times where I wished I was in your shoes.

Moments where I fantasized about swooping in to save the day – to be the hero.

Instances where I coveted your powers, your gift, your destiny.

But then I would see you come home with an array of cuts and bruises,

And I know that although regenerative powers may heal, may mend; it doesn’t make one invincible to pain.
_____________________________________________________

It was a typical week night – you left for work right after dinner.

Sorry babe. I have to go. I know it’s my turn with the dishes. I’ll make it up to you alright?

So there I was, hands covered in suds, doing the dishes – a typical week night.

And then it hit me.

Why should I be the one at home doing the dishes? Why should I sit back and allow the world to poke fun at my manhood? I will show them. I will show her that I am capable, that I am strong and that I can protect her.

One moment I was standing over the sink, and in the next, I was walking down the street.

Without a cape, mask or god forbid – tights, of course.

That’s when I heard a commotion in an alley.

That’s my cue. My chance to prove myself.

________________________________________________________

It all happened so fast; there was a blur of movement, and a single shot.

I thought I had everything under control; it was just a thief – nothing out of the ordinary.

It was supposed to be a typical week night - I would apprehend him and go home early; to bed, to you.

But you showed up. The one variable I did not foresee.

___________________________________________________________
That bullet was meant for me.

Why did you do it? Was it out of love? Did you do it out of love? Out of stupidity?

Why?

Hey, you.

2010-09-29T02:05:00.001+08:00

I guess I sorta kinda liked you more than I intended to.

Before you, it was survival. But now you have given me life.

My heart told me to give love a second chance. That chance was you.

Its amazing how you know me better than I know myself.

You plagiarize my thoughts and steal my breath away.

Its been awhile, and we've had our ups and downs. But, by God, I hope the clock never strikes midnight.

I love you, more than my ego ever allows me to say it aloud.

♥
Me.

Oh, rest in peace - me.

2010-05-03T16:48:00.000+08:00

You know, I hate to admit it but -

I am bitter about alot of things.

I envy alot of people, envy how they don't try and still succeed.

I don't have alot of friends. It may be cause not everyone appeals to me.

I am too hard to myself at times/all the time. It's like holding a gun to my own head.

I can't accept failure in life.

I work only on the far ends of a spectrum - no in-betweens.

I HAVE AN EGO THE SIZE OF A SMALL COUNTRY. just saying.

I say cruel, hurtful things and (sometimes) I mean it.

I laugh at your dreams.

Shhh.. Wait. I can't say this but I still do!

I cannot construct proper paragraphs.

I have never felt so alone in my life.

I DONT BELIEVE ANYMORE!

The me you see isnt really me.

I swear alot these days. Anger management?

I stared at a blank WORD document for hours and I cannot write.

I CANNOT WRITE. MY GOD I CANNOT WRITE.

thisissofragmentedremindsmeofelliotswastelandhahaha

I may be a teeny weeny bit depressed.

You know, I may have forgotten how to turn on the television.

You asked me where the Munyee went.

She died - University killed her.

1/7: Lady Ira

2010-04-26T21:41:00.000+08:00

Look at you. Just take a good hard look.

It's no surprise that you never amount to anything in life.

The Seven Deadly Sins: A Checklist.

2010-04-18T00:05:00.002+08:00

Funeral.

2010-03-25T23:09:00.000+08:00

Went to my very first one today - my maternal grandfather's. The experience made me realize a few things:

That the person lying in the coffin will look nothing like the person you knew;

That some people are afraid to look, while others are indifferent;

That it reunites a broken family;

That people lie – to comfort others and themselves;

That the afternoon sun is cruel;

That people stare when the hearse passes;

That the choice of coffin really doesn’t matter when it is covered with earth;

That grief is contagious and comes unannounced;

That even the toughest of them all crack eventually;

That although it has brought family here, death cannot keep them together;

That no matter how many friends we have – we die alone;

That I am afraid.

Gong Gong. I am sorry that your final act fell short. Rest in peace.

Time is Running Out.

2010-02-17T23:15:00.000+08:00

I'm running out of thread.

Persephone

2010-02-14T00:00:00.002+08:00

One bite; and you can stay forever.

How many times...

2010-02-06T22:33:00.000+08:00

His clothes I can return,

The keepsakes I can throw out,

But the memories-

how do you rid them?

...does it take to break a heart beyond repair?

Baking: Banana Cake

2010-01-28T22:03:00.000+08:00

Combine softened butter, sugar and the essence of vanilla
Listen to the sound of each individual grain of sugar brushing against the side of your mixing bowl.
Crack your eggs separately and watch as the yolks give your mixture that glorious golden hue.
Gently mash your over ripened bananas – the darker the outer skins are, the better.
Add the bananas into your mixture, whisking vigorously to incorporate air; for that moist texture.
Alternately add your milk and flour.
Sift the flour to create snow.
Pour your thick, luscious batter into a greased cake tin.
Take time to smooth the surface before baking it at 180°C.
As difficult as it is, resist opening the oven door during the baking process.
Take in the aroma that is currently perfuming your kitchen.
After forty minutes, check to see if your cake is done.
Leave to cool – exercise your self control.

Banana cakes are best served warm and shared with your loved one.

Enjoy.

Saying goodbye, but I am not leaving.

2010-01-14T01:29:00.002+08:00

To not have you run your fingers through my hair

To not have your arms around me like how I like it

To not have you tell me I am beautiful

To not have your hand holding mine

To not have you whisper into my ears
To not have you go out of your way to put a smile on my face

To not have you to steal a kiss – a moment – with

To not have your voice being the last thing I hear every night

To not have you to share a meal with

To not have you tell me that you love me
To not have you;

I cannot bear.

Today I found out that you don’t need to kill yourself to die.

Midnight Snack

2010-01-07T00:11:00.000+08:00

Nothing spells bliss other than eating freshly made, fluffy, creamy scrambled eggs straight from the pan with a glass of cold chocolate milk in hand.

Cause Benches are Meant for Two;

2010-01-05T22:52:00.000+08:00

;because a kiss goodbye - nothing hurts more

i'd rather not kiss you at all.

Craving.

2009-12-31T23:25:00.001+08:00

Sunnies on my Birthday ♥

2009-12-29T16:45:00.000+08:00

For my 18th, I spent it with two of my favorite people in the world;

I received gifts and had cake;

On my 18th, I felt loved;

http://www.facebook.com/#/video/video.php?v=219688752646&subj=691692264

You people make it all worth it. Thank you for making my 18th so much more special.

I love you.

On my 18th, you did not call or text me. I was happy.

Goodbye, forever.

July 30th, 2010

2009-12-23T23:48:00.000+08:00

Baby, my calendar is marked.

Faith;

2009-12-10T13:35:00.000+08:00

Put your tooth beneath your pillow and the Toothfairy will give you money.

You woke up to see your mother gently slipping the tooth from beneath your head and replacing it with a dollar.

You do not believe. You were five.

Put out these milk and cookies, and go to bed. Santa is coming tonight with your presents.

You woke up to see your dad munching on cookies while putting presents into your Christmas sock.

You do not believe. You were twelve.

Just keep praying. Everything will turn out alright at the end of the day.

You were outcast, alone and depressed.

You do not believe. You were sixteen.

I love you forever and ever. I will never leave you," I said.
You do not believe. You were eighteen.

Footprints;

2009-12-03T23:09:00.001+08:00

It used to be our footprints that I see, side by side.
I love you, you'll say. And I'd believe.

Now one of us is always ahead. Lone footprints in the sand.
Wait up! And none of us will slow down for the other.

Congratulations.

2009-12-02T20:42:00.000+08:00

You can own the earth and still, all you own is earth.

DO NOT USE AFTER

2009-11-26T00:55:00.000+08:00

When's ours?

Announcement.

2009-11-13T00:44:00.001+08:00

Dear students of CIMP,

Next Wednesday, on the 18th of November 2009, you will be seated in the Multipurpose Hall of Sunway University College. Some of you will be wearing the CIMP July Semester T-shirt, courtesy of one of our Council Members. A fun fact - we charged you an obscene amount, as we are ones to do so. Decked in uniform, all of you will be seated on uncomfortable plastic chairs for two odd hours, depending on whether you take a toilet break or not. We are going to start off with the formalities; obligatory speeches from important people talking about how great the semester has been, thanking other important people, and maybe if we are lucky, an attempt or two at cracking a lame joke. We might be entertained with students’ performances; always a delight, unless of course if it's a horrible one - that's another story, for another time. Then the highlight, awards and other recognitions will be given out. Various names will be called out to be recognized for their academic and extracurricular achievements. You will clap; some enthusiastically, some less so. You will wait for the customary announcement to have the whole student council on stage to be awarded with a certificate for their contributions. You will wait, but there will be no such announcement. Instead, the president will be called on stage. Some of you will be shocked – this guy looks nothing like the person you vote for. This strange child will go on stage and talk about this semester. I do not want to presume on what he is going to say as the 18th is yet to come. But he will most probably boast about the achievements of council – like all past presidents – if we, once again are lucky. You will wonder why the student council members don’t get their certificates. But what you don’t know is that we already did. On the 10th of November, last Tuesday in room SW G 3 (citation needed). The certificates were handed out by our teacher adviser, witnessed by the tables and chairs in the room. You will once again, wonder why this is happening. You will never know why. You will never know why your votes don’t count and why you don’t have a say in the reelection of the president of a student body that is supposed to represent you. You will never know why the running candidate takes office instead of the vice (like in all democratic organizations). You will never know why you were never informed of the reason as to why the president you voted for was impeached. You will never know that when they say transparency, they really do mean opaque. You will never know that in CIMP, democracy does not exist and that in CIMP, you will never get to have a voice. As you shuffle back out to your respective classes, decked in your bland uniforms, you will never know.

Note to returning students: For the upcoming election for Student Council of Semester January 2010, do read the fine print at the bottom of your ballot sheet.

This is merely a show. Your votes don't really count, so it doesn't really matter if you vote or not

Stay II

2009-11-08T00:02:00.000+08:00

She watched as he stood at the mouth of the door. Already, she could see him salivate at the taste of freedom. He seemed hesitant; with one foot in the prison and the other out of it. She wonders if he’ll leave. Her fingers unconsciously brush against the ring of keys at her side.

“First left at the end of this corridor,” she told him, thrusting the key towards him

He had said no, and now…

Her hand grasped the barbed end of her whip, drawing blood.

He always had the key, they all did. She just left before the consciousness of escape set in.

She can’t say it, not out loud at least,

“Stay. Please stay.”

Genocide

2009-11-07T22:38:00.000+08:00

Every time you masturbate, you are killing millions of innocent lives.

Potential world leaders, paradigm shifters, and people who would bring change to this sad sad world;

Dead by your hand (pun intended).

Think twice before you jerk off.

Succubus

2009-11-05T21:37:00.000+08:00

“Hurry, take it”, the voice said; thrusting the rusted key at his face

Hesitantly he took it. The cold metal felt foreign and hostile

“Take the first left at the end of this corridor. Hurry before she wakes. Good luck”

He stared at his escape. One turn of it was all he needed to be free

“Hurry what are you waiting for? She is going to wake”

Memory of torture flood his mind; his fingers traced the wounds on his flesh - the only souvenir from that vicious whip of hers

He is but skin and bones; malnourished from the diet of watered down broth

He pushed the key back between the bars, listen to it clang against the cold floor

“What are you doing? Are you mad?”

I am mad, he whispers as he curled up at his dark corner once more.

Book II

2009-10-19T20:39:00.000+08:00

Took the book from the shelf

The title is one I know well

Brush the collected dust from its face

Listen to the satisfying crack of its spine

Breathe in the scent of aged paper

Feel each indentation made by the entombed words

I know the ending to this one

This is no fairy tale

Still, my fingers dutifully flipped.

Cinderella;

2009-10-19T20:20:00.000+08:00

Cinderella,

Run your fingers through the soft satin, hold on to your prince, steal another dance. For at the toll of midnight, all that’s left would be that tattered dress, a crushed pumpkin, lost mice, and that lone glass slipper in your hand.

Mercy;

2009-10-06T22:02:00.002+08:00

Damn baby, you frustrate me.

Archives;

2009-10-04T01:12:00.003+08:00

Look at all the memories we made and tell me they mean nothing to you; cause they sure as hell mean the world to me.

October 27th;

2009-10-01T23:21:00.002+08:00

Practice run for the real thing?

I hate treasure hunts (end).

2009-09-23T16:50:00.002+08:00

My love,

This post marks the end of the mini letter hunt. I hope you enjoyed yourself and had a good time knowing that you no longer have your personal space and everything you do is now being monitored, i mean yeah, hope you had fun. As a token of our appreciation for your participation, though not willing, you are going to get a prize. We cant give you a cert or a trophy because we are cool that way. Instead, you'll get an exclusive limited edition ME. :) Not much, I know but take it nonetheless. Can't wait to see you. Me love you alot alot.

Yours,
Munyee

Day #5: The One About Eggs

2009-09-23T16:08:00.000+08:00

Clue: This was where I first tried your scrambled eggs.

Day # 4: The One That Was Vulnerable

2009-09-22T10:00:00.001+08:00

Clue: This was where you saw the side of me no one else did, and they never will

Day # 3 : The One That's Cold

2009-09-21T14:22:00.002+08:00

Clue: It's cold in here. Blue, Track 16.

Day #2: The One That Goes Well with Jam

2009-09-20T09:00:00.000+08:00

Clue: This'll go well with all the traffic jam.

Day # 1: The One That Smells Funny

2009-09-19T23:59:00.000+08:00

Clue: Your stash. Pink and Blue

I hate treasure hunts.

2009-09-19T22:01:00.002+08:00

My love,

I am going to be away for 5 days. In order to make sure that you do not forget me, I have come up with a game for you to play. Basically, my blog will be updated with clues everyday, starting from today until the day I come back, on the locations of which I've hidden letters - that will hopefully help ease the loneliness. The time of the updates vary from early in the morning to late at night. Keeps you on your toes you know? :) I hope you enjoy this mini letter hunt. If you cant read my writing, maybe highlight the word and I'll tell you what it is when I get back. Right now you would've opened up your tool kit and read the card. Soon, the first clue will be posted here. Do refresh the page :) I'll miss you alot while I'm in Perth. Will try to watch all the videos religiously. Take care of yourself whilst I'm gone okay? I love you, so very much. Never forget that.

Yours,
Munyee

Your love has made me all cliché;

2009-09-19T14:48:00.002+08:00

You make me all warm and fuzzy on the inside, when you look at me

You leave me giddy, I'm on cloud nine when you kiss my lips

You make me beg for more, when your hands are on my body

You make me smile, even when everything's not okay

You always tell me that I'm your angel;

My love, you are my salvation.

Thank you for everything.
I love you.

In the Rain.

2009-09-16T20:39:00.002+08:00

Love, its not about the kiss. It's the fact that you stood in the downpour, despite the fact that you hate getting wet, for me.

Celestial Bodies.

2009-09-14T20:47:00.004+08:00

They told me that it was okay if I shoot for the moon and missed - I'll still be among stars.

My mother told me to shoot at the moon, she'll settle for no less.

So shot at the moon I did, gave it to her wrapped in silk and gold.

But when I offered the moon to her on bended knees, she won't even take a look at it.

Mother, I give up. You can hunt for your own celestial bodies.

Stay.

2009-09-12T22:18:00.006+08:00

You can say the sweetest words, hold open a million doors, wait for me by the bathroom
You can pen poems, compose songs that would move millions, paint a masterpiece
You can buy me expensive gifts, plant a rose garden for me, take me to my favorite restaurant
You can come to my house, wait in the rain, throw rocks at my window pane
You can lasso the moon, stop time, rearrange the constellations to spell my name
You can make me a planet, name it after me

But if I decide to leave, there is no way you can make me stay.

Dear His Personal God;

2009-09-12T17:35:00.003+08:00

Thank you for being his salvation.

Now give him back.

This too, I will remember;

2009-09-11T21:59:00.002+08:00

September 11th,

You put her first.

I will remember;

2009-09-08T22:38:00.002+08:00

the 8th of September;
for today you reached in and touched my heart.

Egg

2009-09-04T20:44:00.003+08:00

Egg.

Life?

or Death?

Posses me;

2009-09-02T01:29:00.002+08:00

Take me in all entirety,
Own my mind, body, and soul,
Seize my liberties
Have power over me
Dominate my desires
Control my cravings
Hold on to my strings
I am no longer mine;
Posses me.

Vulnerable.

2009-08-30T23:16:00.003+08:00

Watch me curl up in a fetal position
Watch cold sweat run down the sides of my face
Listen to the guttural noises that I’m making
Listen as my words get jumbled as the pain clouds my thoughts
Feel as my nails dig into your hand, leaving permanent marks
Feel as my body contorts as waves of pain course through it

Hold my hair back, away from my face
Hold my hand, tell me it’s alright
Hold me Hold me Hold me
Wipe my tears, accept my apology
Wipe my spit, tell me I’m beautiful
Wipe Wipe Wipe my shame

You have seen me in my most vulnerable state
You have seen me stripped down to the bone
You have seen me in my most animalistic self
You have seen me, what do you say?

I love you.
I believe you.

Stare.

2009-08-28T00:16:00.003+08:00

Sometimes we will be talking - saying too much, saying too little.
And you will pause and just stare at me.

And there is just this look of fascination that plays across your face.
A look of amusement as well.

Your lips curl up, forming an almost knowing smile,
That you already have me all figured out.

Your eyes trace my face, every feature, every detail.
Are you trying to memorize me? My features and perhaps my flaws.

Sometimes I turn away when you stare.
I don’t want you to stare too hard, too long; lest you see my disabilities.

I don’t want you to spot my imperfections, which isn’t hard - trust me.
And at the same time I wonder how you could be fascinated by someone like me.

What do I have that made you go back on your promise?What is it about me that made you turn back and look for the second time?Sure I am all that but so is everyone else.

How long have you stared that you are able to categorize my smiles?

How long have you stared that you know my face like the back of your hand?

How long have you stared before you realized that you have fallen for me?

How long before you decide to stop staring?

Grow up.

2009-08-19T21:49:00.001+08:00

You are just like me. Forgive me for being happy.

For my mother fu-

2009-08-19T20:41:00.003+08:00

First and foremost, allow me to make it clear that this is a letter of apology. It is long overdue – 18 years to be exact. But hey, better now than never eh? This is for you my mother. My beloved fu- yes, mother.

Well, I am sorry, I mean SORRY for staying back after school every day to finish up my assignments. I mean who would’ve thought that CIMP- a 70% coursework, 30% exams pre-uni course could give so many assignments. The very idea is preposterous. And for me to stay back in order to get work done so that I can do well in my last semester is just WRONG. Why should I try to graduate with honors when I can just pass all my courses right?

And for student council, I didn’t join it to make you proud. I am not working my butt off to get an impressive transcript so I can get a scholarship to ease your burden. No. I am doing it because I love to stay back till 6 in the evening and get stuck in after-work traffic.

I LOVE TRAFFIC!

Not to mention the fact that although I am tired as hell I come home early to do all the SHIT that apparently you are paying me for. I do all the house chores for the sake of the money. And the only reason I cleaned my car that day wasn’t because it was filthy. It was really because I needed permission to go to a charity event.

I am a bastard child. I shouldn’t be born into this world for I am such a mistake. That’s what you tell me every day, without fail. You know, if you keep saying/hearing the same thing, you will come to believe it. I am nothing compared to your friends’ children. I mean their kids are going out till the wee hours in the morning, drinking and smoking. Like our neighbor’s kid, breaking curfew every chance that he gets. OH GOD WHY AM I NOT LIKE THAT? I come home at 7pm every night, make dinner, tutor my brother and do laundry.

WHAT KIND OF DISGUSTING HUMAN BEING DOES THAT?

Oh and I did offer to pick up/drop my brother from school. But you don’t trust me. Now you’re saying that I am not playing my part as a good sister. Please carry out your threat to want to break my legs if I break curfew – which is at 8pm for you ignorant people – that way maybe I don’t have to live up to your sky high expectations anymore. I can spend the rest of my life as an invalid and live off your pension.

I wrote down all the hurtful things you’ve ever said to me. I have a whole notebook full of them. Thank you, mother for making me believe that I am a worse person than what I am. I mean ANY GOOD MOTHER would do that for her child right? Just so you know, I am never raising my children the way you did yours. I am going to do the exact opposites because

I want to FUCK UP THEIR LIVES.

Ah mother, your 46th birthday is coming up. I hope you live long and happy. I hope you will die happy, knowing that you have completely destroyed the life of your only daughter. Rest in peace with that knowledge in mind.

I am not bitter, I am just saying.

Happy Birthday.

This is my sorry;

2009-08-13T21:13:00.003+08:00

I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing

Just prayed to a god that I don’t believe in

Cos I got time while she got freedom

Cos when a heart breaks no it don’t break even

Her best days will be some of my worst

She finally met a man that’s gonna put her first

While I’m wide awake she’s no trouble sleeping

Cos when a heart breaks no it don’t break even, even no

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you

What am I suppose to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK

I’m falling to pieces I’m falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop me bleeding

Cos she moved on while I’m still grieving

And when a heart breaks no it dont break even

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain

You took your suitcase, I took the blame

Now I’m tryna make sense of what little remains

Cos you left with no love, with no love to my name

I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing

Just prayed to a god i don’t believe in

Cos I got time while she got freedom

Cos when a heart breaks no it don’t break even

No it don’t break, no it dont break even, no

The smell of blue;

2009-08-08T23:27:00.003+08:00

You dint have to bother; You could have just turn and walk away and yet you choose to stay.

What did I ever do to deserve you?