December 8, 2012

An Honest Resume.

Lau Mun Yee
Still lives with parents and will remain so until I get this job
019 xxx xxxx                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

Personal Statement
I am a graduate from an overpriced private university. I am flexible, dependable, driven, determined, hardworking, and passionate, willing to learn, humble, creative, possess initiative and leadership skills. I am also very good in coming up with adjectives. I am looking for a full time position in your company where I will be underpaid and overworked.

v I have an Arts degree because I am not smart enough to take up engineering or medicine. I am also terrible in Maths. I major in Psychology because that is as close to a certified doctor as I can get.
v I graduated with a 2.5 CGPA because I remember someone telling me that in life, grades don’t matter. 

 Work Experience
v I worked during my summer break because words like 'holiday', 'vacation' and 'relax' do not exist in my Asian parents’ vocabulary. At a publishing house, I stare blankly at a monitor for hours and pretended to work only when a superior walked past. My work hazards include paper cuts and typos.

v I talk too much. Sometimes I go on stage to do that and people give me certificates and
     trophies to shut me up.
v I am always the President in clubs/organizations because I enjoy telling people what to do.
v I do public confessions of love.
v I do flash mobs. 

v I cook, clean and chauffeur.
vI can Photoshop away pimples and increase girth/cup size. 
vI write three thousand word essays in one night without any coffee. 
vI can spend hours online prowling viral videos, stalking my ex's profile and downloading
    illegal material.
vI almost always find a way to end up in the weird part of Youtube.
vI speak fluent sarcasm and English with a fake accent. .
vI am a people person when intoxicated.

Expected Salary
vAs a fresh graduate with skills not relevant to the position I am asking for, I will work for no less than RM2500. Trust me. I am Asian and I will always give you best price.

To whom it may concern,

I would be most grateful if you can find a suitable position for me. In fact my parents and the extended family will be grateful too. I can be reached via mobile or email after 12.30 pm. Any time before that I will be sleeping. I am ready to start work after my 21st birthday hangover (December 2012). 

I look forward and fervently pray for your favorable reply. 

                                                                                                                                                                                                    Yours Sincerely,
                                                                                                                                                                                                           Lau Mun Yee